I saw this thing floating around years ago, and like a lot of crap, it’s floating around again, and I haven’t written anything on here in a while so I figured I’d make fun of it.

Behold, The Worst Our Father Ever, allegedly “translated from the original Aramaic directly into English:”

O cosmic Birther of all radiance and vibration. Soften the ground of our being and carve out a space within us where your Presence can abide.

Fill us with your creativity so that we may be empowered to bear the fruit of your mission.

Let each of our actions bear fruit in accordance with our desire.

Endow us with the wisdom to produce and share what each being needs to grow and flourish. 

Untie the tangled threads of destiny that bind us, as we release others from the entanglement of past mistakes.

Do not let us be seduced by that which would divert us from our true purpose, but illuminate the opportunities of the present moment.

For you are the ground and the fruitful vision, the birth, power and fulfillment, as all is gathered and made whole once again.

Amen. 

FIRST OF ALL we don’t have any “original Aramaic” texts from the New Testament, and even though Jesus spoke Aramaic, the Gospels as we have them today are in Greek (please don’t comment about some theoretical Aramaic version of Matthew unless you can show me a copy of it).

SECOND OF ALL the fact that hardly anybody knows Aramaic anymore doesn’t mean you get to abuse it to push some weirdo theology.

THIRD OF ALL GOOD LORD WHAT IS THAT THING. It’s a damn mess is what it is.

I wonder if I can insert tables into blog posts. Hold on.

Ok got it. So here’s the Aramaic text (as we have it in the Chaldean and Assyrian Churches from time immemorial), next to the weird thing above, next to what the words actually mean. It should be read right-to-left, as Aramaic is:

Actual Meaning	Weird Thing Above	Aramaic Text
Our Father, who art in heaven	O cosmic Birther of all radiance and vibration.	ܐܒܘܢ ܕܒܫܡܝܐ
hallowed be thy Name	Soften the ground of our being and carve out a space within us where your Presence can abide.	ܢܬܩܕܫ ܫܡܟ
thy kingdom come	Fill us with your creativity	ܬܐܬܐ ܡܠܟܘܬܟ
thy will be done	so that we may be empowered to bear the fruit of your mission.	ܢܗܘܐ ܨܒܝܢܟ
on earth as it is in heaven	Let each of our actions bear fruit in accordance with our desire.	ܐܝܟܢܐ ܕܒܫܡܝܐ ܐܦ ܒܐܪܥܐ
give us this day our daily bread	Endow us with the wisdom to produce and share what each being needs to grow and flourish.	ܗܒ ܠܢ ܠܚܡܐ ܕܣܘܢܩܢܢ ܝܘܡܢܐ
and forgive us our trespasses	Do not let us be seduced by that which would divert us from our true purpose,	ܘܫܒܘܩ ܠܢ ܚܘܒܝ̈ܢ ܘܚܛܗ̈ܝܢ
as we forgive those who trespassed against us	but illuminate the opportunities of the present moment.	ܐܝܟܢܐ ܕܐܦ ܚܢܢ ܫܒܩܢ ܠܚܝ̈ܒܝܢ
and lead us not into temptation	For you are the ground and the fruitful vision, the birth, power and fulfillment,	ܘܠܐ ܬܥܠܢ ܠܢܣܝܘܢܐ
but deliver us from evil.	as all is gathered and made whole once again.	ܐܠܐ ܦܨܢ ܡܢ ܒܝܫܐ
Amen.	Amen.	ܐܡܝܢ

Ok, yes, I’m being snotty, but my point is that the plain old English translation is pretty good. If you want to be pedantic:

• “the bread we need today” is a little closer than “our daily bread”
• the Aramaic says “forgive us our debts and sins” for some reason
• “the evil one” is closer to the Aramaic than “evil”

This is all assuming you want to use the Aramaic (which as far as we know, was translated from the Greek), as your basis instead of the Greek.

Whatever peace out.